10 things I learned at my Great Great Grandmother’s Funeral

Last Monday, my Great Grandmother died. She was 107 years old. The service was Saturday all the way in East Texas. I’d say what city, but no one would actually know what I was talking about.

As the service was about 2 hours outside of Dallas, out in the BFE (for those of you that don’t know, BFE stands for Bum F- Egypt), me, my brother, and dad left early to drive on down. I’d like to say that since I am the oldest, I drove, but that would be a lie since I loathe driving my brother and father anywhere. It’s the equivalent to being back in driver’s ed. Minus the chicken brake. I listened to the repeated “debate” on which way to go and the speed limit until I was able to completely tune them out, while making an honest attempt to attack the updated version of Angry Birds “seasons” edition. That didn’t last too long.

Finally we get there, and battle the Texas heat just to walk into the church. Naturally, as the service was far out in the country, the church was small. After 107 years, my Great Grandmother had a lot of birthdays and met a lot of people so it was super easy to fill the church to capacity. When I say, fill the church to capacity, I mean, there were no seats left even after we put guests int the choir stand and make people stand in the back and along side the pews.

During the service, I learned a few things:

1)  It doesn’t matter where I am, what is going on, or who is speaking. If someone in my family sees me and can call me out in an ear shot length, they will yell my name to get my attention and climb over people to get a hug.

2) My father keeps emergency candy in all articles of clothing that he owns that has pockets.

3) My father does not know how to open candy discreetly.

4) Small churches in country towns never have a fully functioning air conditioner.

5) A preacher should be able to have multiple roles during a funeral, i.e. pianist, drummer, eulogist, valet, and usher.

6) Just when you think you can’t pack 50 cars into private family cemetery with a one way in one way out dirt road, you can actually pack 60.

7) Children start taking their clothes off then they’re hot, whether you approve or not.

8) There is no such thing as a church hat that is too big… even if the people behind you can’t see.

9) Men will always argue about the best route to take somewhere, even when they both have acknowledged they have no idea where they are going.

10) Stilettos were not made to walk in gravel. Ever.

Is there anything that you have learned from funerals that you have attended?


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